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illusions of safety
Jan. 19th, 2010 04:39 pmThere wasn't much left of me when I left the party Sunday night. It was a very good weekend, but it left me exhausted and emotionally raw. Once upon a time, I used to drive 4 hours down the thruway when I didn't feel a whole lot better (but that wasn't a good idea at all. And one solution to the problem turned out to be the beginning of a really beautiful friendship*.) I don't know if I'm really less tough now, or if I'm just more aware of my fragility, and more protected by people who love me.
It's usually a good idea to take the big roads in bad weather. They tend to get plowed first. And in the middle of the night, "traffic" is more likely to break trail than to block the way. Usually...but not Sunday night. I-95 was especially bad.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hiranu said he was very glad he was driving me home, because he wouldn't want to put me in a cab when the roads were so dangerous. I didn't think it was silly at all. It didn't matter that Stephen is not the safest driver on the planet. (He might not even have been the safest driver in Arlington at 2am, and you locals know that's a low bar. That didn't matter either.) I trust him to take care of me, so I felt safe. Especially this weekend, when my ability to deal with risks was offline.
I thought I wanted him to stay, but the combination of feeling safe, exhausted, and emotionally raw does not lend itself to anything extensive. He might have read a whole paragraph before I was asleep, but more likely not.
*At the end of an exhausting weekend, I realized I couldn't face the long drive home. A couple of friendly locals had room for me to stay with them over Sunday night. I baked chocolate chip cookies in an attempt to repay their hospitality, and we spoke of many geeky things. A couple of years later, all 3 of us moved out here, and ended up sharing a house. There are a lot of reasons I care about them...but that's how it started.
It's usually a good idea to take the big roads in bad weather. They tend to get plowed first. And in the middle of the night, "traffic" is more likely to break trail than to block the way. Usually...but not Sunday night. I-95 was especially bad.
hiranu said he was very glad he was driving me home, because he wouldn't want to put me in a cab when the roads were so dangerous. I didn't think it was silly at all. It didn't matter that Stephen is not the safest driver on the planet. (He might not even have been the safest driver in Arlington at 2am, and you locals know that's a low bar. That didn't matter either.) I trust him to take care of me, so I felt safe. Especially this weekend, when my ability to deal with risks was offline.I thought I wanted him to stay, but the combination of feeling safe, exhausted, and emotionally raw does not lend itself to anything extensive. He might have read a whole paragraph before I was asleep, but more likely not.
*At the end of an exhausting weekend, I realized I couldn't face the long drive home. A couple of friendly locals had room for me to stay with them over Sunday night. I baked chocolate chip cookies in an attempt to repay their hospitality, and we spoke of many geeky things. A couple of years later, all 3 of us moved out here, and ended up sharing a house. There are a lot of reasons I care about them...but that's how it started.
